Chasing Perfection, Finding Attunement: How Letting Go of “Perfect” Helped me Truly Connect With My Kids

Chasing Perfectionsim

I had three kids in four years. Yes, I was that mom—the one pushing a triple stroller through the park. Only, my experience felt less like a peaceful stroll and more like a bus of chaos driving down the sidewalk.

Before having kids, I read every parenting book I could find. I was sure I’d raise spiritual, well-behaved kids who would change the world. So you can imagine my shock when real life hit. I was chasing toddlers through Costco and later dealing with teenagers who had more attitude than respect.

I’d look around at other families who seemed so perfect—their toddlers quietly coloring while mine jumped off the couch like Superman. I saw their teenagers happily doing chores while mine were still arguing. Through it all, a small voice inside kept saying: What’s wrong with you and your family? You’re falling short. You need to do better. When real life didn’t live up to my dream of a “perfect family,” I felt sad, worn out, and ashamed.

When Shame Takes Over

The harder I tried to have a perfect family, the more shame I felt for not having one. And the more shame I felt, the harder it became to stay emotionally present for my family. This is known as attunement. It simply means being emotionally in sync—able to notice, understand, and respond to what another person feels. 

My shame made me demanding, controlling, and loud. When I saw my kids glued to their screens, something inside me snapped. Trying to quiet the shame, I’d storm into the living room and yell, “Turn that off—it’s rotting your brains!” My shouting would spark their frustration, and they’d yell back. That only made my shame worse. Now I was sure they weren’t just hooked on screens—they were also rude and disobedient. Before long, we were all stuck in the same exhausting cycle, trapped in disconnection.

Sue Johnson (2016) explains, “When we are frustrated and anxious, the way we discipline our kids suffers. Mostly, we become harsher and more inconsistent.” She continues, “Because we are not emotionally present for them, they miss out on our nurturing and guidance” (p.280).

What I didn’t realize was that trying to have a perfect family was actually ruining the thing I wanted most. What really mattered wasn’t a perfect performance—it was being emotionally connected. In chasing perfection, I got so caught up in my own feelings that I couldn’t be there for my kids and what they were going through.

In his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, John Gottman (2011) reminded me of the value of attunement:

Once you dedicate yourself to being present with your child’s emotions, you will find opportunities to connect with her in meaningful ways on a day-to-day basis. From a series of seemingly mundane incidents, you’ll form an important, lasting bond. You’ll become what my friend and developmental psychologist Ross Parke refers to as ‘a collector of moments.’ You’ll recognize your interactions as precious opportunities and value aspects that others might miss. And when you look back, you’ll see your relationship with your child as you would a treasured string of pearls (p. 106-107).

Finding Attunement

The more I learned about emotions and attunement, the more I saw the freedom in letting go of perfection and focusing instead on emotional connection. This shift has changed how I parent and how I approach counseling.

Dan Siegel (2020) writes that research clearly demonstrates “one of the very best predictors for how any child turns out—in terms of happiness, social and emotional development, leadership skills, meaningful relationships, and even academic and career success—is whether they developed security from having at least one person who showed up for them” (p. 4).

The good news is, you don’t have to be perfect in your attunement. Even if only about 30% of the time you’re able to notice, name, and care for your child’s emotions, you can still build a strong and secure bond (Tronick, 2007; Siegel & Bryson, 2011, 2020).

Sue Johnson (2016) cites a study showing that “the children of warm and supportive parents were warmer and more supportive with their own partners, and their relationships were happier” (p. 281).

Investing in emotional connection as a family is a gift that blesses and shapes not only your children but generations to come. So give yourself grace to be imperfect—just be present. Slow down. Show curiosity. Show care and understanding. Focus more on how your loved ones feel than on how they perform.

This is the path of grace—for you and for them. It brings you closer to each other, which is what really matters most. If you want to rebuild emotional connection in your family, we’re here to help. Our family counseling provides a safe and caring place to talk about feelings, improve communication, and strengthen the bonds that matter most.

References

Gottman, J. M. (2011). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster.

Johnson, S. M., & Sanderfer, K. (2016). Created for connection: The “Hold Me Tight” guide for Christian couples: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love (Rev. ed.). Little, Brown and Company.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The power of showing up: How parental presence shapes who our kids become and how their brains get wired. Ballantine Books.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Delacorte Press.

Tronick, E. (2007). The neurobehavioral and social-emotional development of infants and children. W.W. Norton & Company.